


The Agent and the Ninja

by Foodmoon



Series: Oddball fics [23]
Category: James Bond (Movies), Naruto
Genre: Gen, M/M, Tags will be updated at need
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2020-01-13 10:25:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18467035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foodmoon/pseuds/Foodmoon
Summary: Obito decides to keep Kakashi safe. Kakashi ends up in Bond's world in time to witness one of Bond's infamous 'being pursued by badguys who've just discovered that an intruder has stolen important information, tech, or destroyed something important' scenes, and intervenes. James decides that Kakashi's talents are best off in SIS's hands rather than floating around where some enemy might employ him.





	1. Arrival

**Author's Note:**

  * For [slmncpm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slmncpm/gifts).



> Welcome to another plotless wonder. This is my attempt to convince my muse to quit having a fit of the sulks and anxiety attacks in the corner.  
> Feel free to point out typos.

Kakashi is not happy.

Not happy is…

Well.

A massive understatement at best.

He blames Obito for this. Admittedly, the idiot has an eerie gift for dying and screwing Kakashi’s life over in the process. This is the _third time already!_ Granted, he doesn’t think a fourth will happen. Not after deciding that Kakashi needs to no longer be in the fight against Madara and Kaguya, and shoving Kakashi through several dimensions haphazardly, only to stay behind himself to fight alone.

 _Then again, given the improbability of his survival the previous times, he’d probably better just expect him to show up alive and more idiotic than ever at the worst possible moment._ Which means probably his life will not get saner than the current chaos.

He has no idea who the sturdily built man fleeing from enemies shooting some unknown projectile weapons at him is, but one stray missile splintering a door frame an inch from his nose had convinced him that the weapons were technology dangerous even to shinobi. The pursuers don’t look friendly _at all,_ but perhaps the one they are chasing will be grateful enough to exchange some knowledge of this dimension in return for Kakashi helping him out a bit.

Because while this _looks_ like Suna terrain, it quite obviously _isn’t_ in Wind country, based on the architecture and clothing alone. Thus he must conclude that this is actually a different _dimension_. And he’d prefer to not die by ignorance, thank you very much.

Fortunately, it’s easy enough with chakra to be fast enough to yank the fleeing stranger out of the path of a projectile when he zigged when he should have zagged. _Again,_ by the looks of the blood staining the side of his vest. Even easier to stash the winded man out of sight, henge into him, and proceed to scare the living daylights out of his pursuers by apparently walking _into_ the hail of projectiles, entirely unharmed by them. Naturally it’s a genjutsu. He’s certainly _not_ stupid enough to get in the way of the projectiles, but these people don’t seem to have active chakra, so it’s easy enough to ensnare them and then just walk up and take their weapons away, before walking back out of sight and dropping the henge and genjutsu.

Kakashi _may_ giggle a little to himself before checking on the injured man.

Who seems… awfully lively for being wounded, and indeed has already managed a makeshift bandaging of his wound, and whose sharp gaze is wary as he eyes the armful of weapons Kakashi is carrying. “Why did you help me? And what did you do to them?”

“Maa, maa, I just took away their toys. The screaming has absolutely nothing to do with me, I’m sure. As for helping you, let’s just say I want information.”

The man’s blue eyes harden. “Information.”

Kakashi shrugs. “Nothing about whatever you’re involved in here, of course. Well, no. I lie. I do want to know what these weapons are called. And how they work. But what I really would like to know is where I am, and how do I get to a more…civilized place?”

“Civilized? You mean England, of course. We’re a day’s drive outside of Qena, in Egypt. And those are guns. I’d have to look at them to tell you which models they are.”

By his tone, Kakashi gathers that ‘guns’ are such a widespread weapon that anyone should be familiar with them without being told. _Fascinating._

“Well, as much as I’d find that interesting, I believe it would be in your best interests to depart from here before they get over their fright and come back with more of these ‘guns’, ne?”

“Right. Follow me.”

The man is athletic and quite fast despite his injury, but of course Kakashi has no issues keeping up with someone who doesn’t use chakra. He brings the weapons along, more to not leave them behind to be used against them should they be found than for any particular need to have them. They reach and enter a machine that reminds him of a giant dragonfly except with metal blades instead of wings. Kakashi almost jumps out of his skin at the sheer _noise_ when his companion turns it on.

“I assume you’ve used weapons before even if you haven’t seen a gun prior to this?”

He blinks at the man. That’s an interesting assumption. It makes him wonder if this world has ninjas as well. “Yes.”

“Excellent. Pick one you like the weight of. Point the end with hole in it at anyone who shoots at us, make sure the safety is off, and pull the trigger when you want to shoot. If you run out of ammo, switch guns. Most of those will have a real kick, so brace yourself before you shoot.”

“Safety?”

“A little lever on the side of the barrel near the trigger or on the handgrip. Keeps idiots from shooting their toes off accidentally.”

“Aah.” _Note to self, do not point the business end of a gun at oneself. Death by weapon would be sooo embarrassing._

“Try not to fall out.”

“Mmn.” That _would_ be rather awkward. As sticking to surfaces with chakra was a _genin-level_ trick.

~

James curses loudly as the white haired weirdo in an unfamiliar mix of what was obviously combat gear stepped out the heli’s door as if stepping out a lift and disappeared. _Bloody hell! He’d just told the man to not fall out!_

Then the man sticks his head back in to peer at him, then _eye smiles_ at his expression. “Maa, maa, I’m fine, you just concentrate on flying this rather peculiar airship, ne?”

He doesn’t think it’s his imagination that the bastard is laughing at him. So maybe he growls a little when he snaps, “Just don’t fall off, whitey!”

“Kakashi.” The man corrects, and disappears again.

_Cock-eye? Right. Like hell he’s going to call him that. ‘Whitey’ it is. Military nicknames based on personal traits could be weirder than he preferred if given a choice._

He curses again when a bullet strafes the edge of the cockpit and goes back to wrestling with the worrisomely rickety heli. Honestly, he’s surprised that Whitey hadn’t mentioned the shuddering of the machine, given his apparent lack of contact with helicopters previously and the way he’d flinched when the rotors started up.

James almost nosedives the thing as he sees Whitey nonchalantly walk across the nose of the heli, at an impossible angle, as if walking on level ground. _What in the devil!?_

_Fuck it. No. This is not the time. He needs to get them out of here._

_And then he’s taking ‘Cockeye’ back with him, because if that’s replicable? He’s going to learn how. Or get Q to replicate it for him, at least._

~

Kakashi has decided that he has a few issues with this world’s methods of travel. The dragonfly shaped airship had been bad enough with the amount of noise and how much it rocked with its awkward mode of movement. The airship shaped like a massive bird, though? It moved fast enough and went high enough that he’d mortifyingly found himself clinging to the blue eyed stranger, whose name is apparently Bond James Bond, face buried against his sturdy shoulder as he struggled to breathe past his panic. _Strange naming conventions these otherworlders have._ Now, as the _plane_ coasts to a stop, he sees weather that reminds him of Water country and wonders if this too is an island.

“So…this is England?”

Bond lifts his head from the headrest where he’d been half napping and gives him an amused look. “London, England, to be exact. Most civilized place in the world. Do you have plans on where to go from here?”

“Saa…” He doesn’t, of course.

“No? Then why don’t you come with me? I know someone who can tell you all about any weapon you like, and can get you identity papers as well.”

He blinks. “Identity papers? I don’t plan to try to see the Daimyo. Is there a Kage here?”

A funny look passes over Bond’s face for a split second. “You need papers to get any job here, as well as to obtain residency. You’d need _another_ set of papers if you wanted to get in to see the Queen or Prime Minister. But both civilians and the government like to be assured that a person is legally in the country and not a criminal.”

_Ah, so it works rather like a Hidden Village, then._

“I suppose identity papers would be welcome, then.” He agrees obliquely.

~

Bond is rather obviously someone important on the not-civilian side of this not-hidden city. The oddly dressed but rather obvious guards at the door wave him through without question with a simple, _“He’s with me.”_ from Bond.

The halls they walk through are both deceptively plain and grandiose in a way that he hasn’t seen outside the mansions of wealthy nobles and the Daimyos palace. The room they walk through has electronics in them that Kakashi has no reference for other than TVs for the large screens, but he’s quite sure they’re not showing pre-filmed movies, and he has no idea what the other ones do.

Bond takes him to an office with a woman called M, who is most definitely Kage-like, despite her lack of chakra, reminds him a bit of Pakkun crossed with Tsunade, and calls Bond ‘James’. He ponders if middle names are the correct mode of address in this world or if he’s missing something as he trails Bond through more halls and rooms to a room full of electronics and manically focused workers speaking into headsets.

There’s a tall blond man casually leaning on the desk of a dark haired man in a sweater and glasses, who looks torn between annoyance and being flattered.

“Alec, quit flirting with Q on the job. He’s busy.” Bond greets them.

The blond man turns and smirks at them. “James. Bothersome as usual, I see. Who’s that with you? And if I didn’t flirt with him while he’s working, he’d be neglected, because he’s _always_ working.”

Bond, _no, it’s James,_ shrugs. “As you say. Q, this is Whitey. Can you teach him about guns? M approved it.”

Q’s eyebrows shoot up. “Me? Personally?”

“I wouldn’t trust anyone else to it.” Bon- _James_ states nonchalantly.

Alec makes a miffed sound, but Kakashi notices that he subtly sidles out from between the other two men, positioning himself for a better place to attack from should there be a fight, if Kakashi is any judge, _and he most certainly is._

“Fine.” Q acquiesces shortly. “Now, do you have any other business here, James? No? Then show yourself out.” He switches his intense green gaze to Kakashi. “You’re the one who stepped in and helped James on his mission? Koshi?”

Kakashi eye-smiles at him. “Kakashi Hatake, jounin ninja.”

“Japanese? Well, I suppose ‘scarecrow’ is a family name, yes? Your clan must be rather reclusive to not have at least studied guns before, but no matter. You’ll have to forgive James. For a man who speaks so many languages, he can be very stupid with names. You’ve decided to join SIS, then? _James_ , since you seem to have free time on your hands, go arrange housing and identification for him. _Alec,_ do go with him and make sure he doesn’t forget anything essential. Now then. Since you’re a ‘high ninja’, should I take that as an indication of your family standing within your clan or an indication of your personal skill? I’m afraid I’m not very familiar with the mechanics of modern ninja clans.”

“Saa… Jounin is a rank within my village, indicating skill. I’m the last of my clan, though, since my father died, and he held the same rank. So…?”

“Ah, that makes sense that modern ninja clans would join forces to lessen the number of threats to individual clans.”

“Something like that.” Kakashi agrees, noting the curious looks from both James and Alec and a few more people within earshot. He doesn’t miss the sharpening of Q’s eyes at his answer, and realizes that this man will dig until he gets the truth. Tilting his head slightly, he acknowledges the interest by asking, “Somewhere more private, perhaps?”

He knows, of course, that James hears this, and will be even more determined to find out how he can do things that are impossible for civilians. _But,_ he smirks, _making him work for it is half the fun._ And unlike Obito, as endearing as the idiot could be, James is actually his type. He’s going to have a _lot_ of fun with this, even if James doesn’t return the interest.

~

Q stares at the white-haired (but probably his-age or only a bit older) _‘high ninja’_ in his office, then sighs. “So, where are you really from? You looked confused when I mentioned Japan, only a bit less confused when I said SIS, and there’s literally no travel record for you that I can dig up anywhere other than your trip back with James. Also, I highly doubt there’s any such thing as a modern ninja clan not highly conversant with guns.

Kakashi eye-smiles at him with his visible eye. “Well, I’m from Fire Country of the Elemental Nations. I doubt you’ll believe me, but it’s in a world in another dimension. And unless my idiotic friend manages to survive a fight with an overpowered zombie ninja who used to be one of the ‘gods of ninja’ and an actual goddess who intends to destroy the world, I don’t have a way back.”

Unfortunately…Q thinks he _does_ believe him.

James may have an unfortunate habit of turning off his camera, but he doesn’t ever bother turning off the sound, and Q had managed to access a number of cameras which had shown shaky glimpses of Kakashi calmly doing things that should be impossible even with highly advanced tech.

“Can you see out of your other eye?”

“Yes, but it draws a lot of chakra uncovered.” Kakashi says, pushing up the slanted headband and opening the covered, scarred eye to reveal an eerie red eye with black tomoes spinning lazily in it. After a moment, he pulls the headband down again.

“Chakra. That’s what you used when assisting James’ escape?”

“Yes. I put his pursuers in a light genjutsu to allow me to remove their weapons without issue, a rather complex ward to keep the…guns from hitting me, and a genin level trick to stick to various surfaces. The eye allows me to cast genjutsus more powerfully, and to perfectly remember things I see with it. I don’t need it to cast genjutsus on civilians or those without chakra, and would prefer to not use it, as the eye slowly degenerates with use of those abilities and I am unable to turn the abilities off, as the eye originally belonged to my idiot friend. Am I right to assume that chakra is unknown in this world?”

Q has to consider that for a moment. “Genjutsus are...illusions? Theoretically, there are ninjas and such in the eastern nations such as Japan and China who can use similar abilities, but in general such claims are considered trickery and fraud, or highly dubious at best. The use of magic and unfamiliar power is threaded through the lore of all cultures enough, however, that there could be a bit of truth hidden in the lies.”

“Saa…”

He takes that to mean that Kakashi doesn’t want to confirm the possibility, but thinks it likely for some reason. _Interesting._ “That mask, is there any particular significance to it?”

Kakashi twitches. “Ninjas wear masks, ne?”

“It makes you highly noticeable. I would suppose that’s the intent, so that if you remove it, you cannot be recognized easily. However, it will make you a suspect in the eyes of civilians, so we’ll come up with a suitable alternative for you to use in daily life and travel. What is your specialty?”

The white haired man sighs beleagueredly and droops dramatically. “Oh, this and that. Though, I suppose tracking would be sufficient, if you don’t have clans like the Inuzuka at your disposal.”

“Tracking? With chakra or some other method?”

Kakashi sighs again, then bites his thumb without removing his mask and bends down to slam his hand on the floor. A rather dramatic puff of smoke results and a pug wearing a vest appears and sneezes.

“Yo, boss. What are you doing in this dimension? It’s been several hundred years since anyone here’s summoned, and you don’t belong here to begin with.”

“Obito.” Kakashi grumbles.

“Oh. _Him._ I mean, it’s not like it’s a bad thing that you’re _here_ and not _there_.  We don’t know exactly _what_ he did, but he did something _insane_ to the space-time continuum over there and…”

Q grabs onto his desk for support. _A talking dog._ A _talking_ dog. A talking _dog._

He’s not entirely sure he wouldn’t prefer that James had brought home one of his much-rumored deceptive, _‘conspires with the enemy’_ bimbos again. On the one hand, he’s fairly sure Kakashi is a reliable ally, but on the other hand, this is going to make his job _so much_ more complicated.

 _Typical_.

Some days he really hates James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently ‘Kakashi’ sounds similar to ‘cock-eye’ in Japanese? Anyways, a friend wanted me to use it as a joke in a fic, and I finally have.
> 
> James mentally facepalms for a while over mishearing Kakashi’s name.
> 
> This version of Obito is _Uchiha-oblivious-_ ly interested in Kakashi, something Kakashi has carefully not pointed out to him, since although he’s aware of it, he doesn’t return the interest. Oblivious Obito is much better for Kakashi’s sanity.
> 
> Pakkun continues to ramble for a while about the weird side effects of Obito’s ‘victory, for a given value of victory’. _Time loops. Occasionally multiples of Kaguya, age-regression, an intangible army of amnesiac Madara-zombies in a perpetual ghost war with each other. Etc, etc._ Needless to say, Kakashi is not going home even if he really wanted to.
> 
> Poor Q, he has _no idea_. Kakashi’s not going to knock off his shenanigans to ‘superiors’ just because he landed in a different dimension. He probably likes Q enough to not do it too much to him directly, but he’s going to have to deal with a lot of complaints, and accommodating Kakashi’s quirks enough to get his rather excellent abilities on the job.


	2. Ninja Meets Talking Dogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi still has housing issues.  
> Alec suspects he's drugged.  
> Jinnouchi ponders the insanity of large cities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to ZimSim, without whose help this chapter would not have been posted for another week or two. Nor would it have been half as entertaining.  
>  _(Okay, okay, it entertained me at least. You're certainly not obliged to think it entertaining.)_
> 
> I randomly went on this massive cleaning spree the other day, and my body is still making me regret it. Exhaustion tends to make me zone out time and what I'm attempting to do, sooo... But _no regrets_. One of the irredeemable junkpiles somewhat resembles a room that could end up clean with some effort now! _Before you think I'm exaggerating about 'irredeemable'... I took pictures to show my therapist and made them feel lots better about the hoarders in their family. One neat-nick vs 3 messies....hahahaha. I occasionally see a room with floors. Or counters cleared that I haven't personally cleared in the last ten minutes. Let me tell you, if you're a messy living with a neat-nick who you feel is a terrible nag? You're doing them a massive disservice if you revenge mess or don't try, because the mess is like...I don't even look at my house and still walking through it depresses me severely. And I'm probably one of the most laid-back neat-nicks ever. All I require is walkways two feet wide and to be able to get to things more or less. (Okay, and papers are banned from the kitchen after the paper stacks by the stove incidents. No, wait. Stinky things are also required to be found and removed. Ugh. (shudders))_ (deep breaths) Rant over.

“Sir,” the secretary pinches her nose and sounds like she is repressing a sigh, “I can’t accept an application made in foreign symbols, and you need to sign your name not a mark or you simply don’t qualify to _apply._ Please redo this. If you can’t write, there are literacy tutors around that-”

She cuts off abruptly as Q leans over her shoulder to peer at the application, then deftly takes it from her.

“It looks to all be in order. I’ll hand it in to M to be filed properly. And yes, Kakashi, you will need to learn to read and write in English.”

Kakashi pulls his scarf up over his nose, resenting that the eye patch covers less than his headband and is more awkward to adjust as well. “Maa, maa, I can read it just fine. I answered the questions without help, didn’t I? I’ll figure out the writing bit soon enough. But your answer spaces are a bit small to answer properly in English.”

“Nevertheless. Employment documents in the future need to be filled out in English. Many of the support staff do not speak secondary languages. Q section and other vital field support are the exception to this, of course, so if you must, action reports may be filed in your native language.”

“Noted.” Kakashi acquiesces.

Q frowns at the application briefly. “You say you need accommodations for _eight_ animals? I thought you only had one dog?”

“Ah, no. Pakkun’s the leader of the pack. Speaking of Pakkun, I think he’s occupied your M’s office.”

Amusement twitches Q’s lips. “Well, then. We should see if she wants rescuing or not. Is your entire pack pugs?”

Kakashi gives him a confused look, then eye-smiles. “Ah, no. Bull is a bulldog. He’s the biggest. Uhei is probably a greyhound. And the others are mutts, more or less. Pakkun’s the smallest.”

Q shoots him a puzzled look. “Is Bull particularly large? Or is Uhei particularly small for his breed?”

He shrugs. “They’re rather normal for their breeds in my dimension. Here? I couldn’t say yet. How big are your bulldogs here?” Eyeing Q’s sketched out dimensions in the air, document flapping, he shakes his head. “Bull’s about three times that size. And greyhounds? … Ah, no. Uhei’s a little bit smaller than that.”

~

Alec flails, at a loss as to how a big, lazy bulldog that moves like mud and looks twice as dim has managed to pin him quite neatly. He ponders briefly if he’d be forgiven for killing Kakashi-that-bastard’s pet and-

“Boss. He’s still movin’. You want me to bite him now?” the big, black dog rumbles in his face.

Kakashi spits a mouthful of toothpaste into the sink. “Maa, you can let him up, Bull. We’re not on the same team, but we work for the same person now. I’m sure he’ll remember to knock first, next time.”

The dog gives Alec a critical look, then gets up with a sigh and moves a few feet away to lie down again.

Alec wonders exactly how hard he’s hallucinating, and finally settles on, “Did you know your dog talks?”

Kakashi doesn’t look surprised by this revelation. “Yes. Ninken do that, ne? Not all of them bother learning, but all eight of mine did.”

_R-r-r-i-i-i-ght!_ He has to admit, this is a rather realistic and unique hallucination. “So, is there a time period for when I can expect this drug to wear off?”

“Saa…” Kakashi looks puzzled. “Did you take a drug before you came? I’m not familiar with the ones in this dimension, though.”

He… He thought he just heard the weird new guy say _‘dimension’_. Surely not. “I don’t think Asian drugs are much different than British drugs, over all.”

“Saa… I’m not from Asia, so I’ll take your word for it. But if you mean the ninken talking? It could be worse, you know. I could be a Toad summoner or a Snake summoner. The chief toad is about the same size as this building. Snakes and toads and slugs are Sage summons, though. They’re very particular about who they accept as summoners. I’m not flashy enough to be a toad summoner, or bloodthirsty enough to be a snake summoner.”

Alec…is _pretty sure_ that is meant as reassurance, but… _He’s definitely going to get Q to check his system for unknown drugs. There’s no way this guy comes from a Fantasia-like reality._

_Right?_

~

Tokyo, New York, Mexico City, London…all big cities are known for the strange things that happen that the residents simply take in stride and treat as normal. Bartenders and baristas tend to be particularly unflappable. But seeing a barista calmly taking the order of two dogs on behalf of ‘Boss’ is a new one on him. They’re either some strange science experiment _(always possible in these modern times)_ or ninja animals.

That seems… _improbable,_ but then again, he’s from a respectable ninja clan himself and _he’s_ here.

Still, ninjas have their own network, so unless there’s a ninja unknown to the network, or passing through briefly, _or both,_ well… It could be worth finding out.

“I know I’m super cute, but is there a reason you’re staring so intently?”

He… _doesn’t_ flinch back at finding the pug suddenly on his table, staring at him curiously. _“Mierda!”_ he mutters under his breath, then collects himself. “I was pondering if you were ninja dogs or science experiments. And wondering if your master would be willing to teach-”

“There’s ninjas in this world too?” The pug interrupts in surprise.

His eyes widen in shock at the implications. “I- Yes. Although the art of training ninja hounds has been long lost.” Pausing for a moment, he decides to take a chance and adds, “In this world, at least.”

“You should come with us. Boss would _love_ to talk to another ninja again. Oh, I’m Pakkun and this is Bull.”

“Jinnouchi Hisakawa. You can call me ‘Jim’.”

~

Jim takes in the silver haired young man with an eye patch leaning casually against a wall and giggling over what looks to be a prurient romance held up as if the scarf covering the lower half of his face doesn’t cover enough, and tenses slightly. The man has a carefully maintained feel of ‘normal’ to him that is very much _not_ normal, a sense that one can only sense him because he’s making an effort to let it happen. And if that’s not enough, there’s a distinct not-of-this-world feel to his chakra/chi that is distinctly unnerving. Although the dogs trot up to him without hesitation, and the little one casually addresses him as ‘Boss’, Jim has no illusions. This man is a _ninja_ , and a _powerful_ one at that.

The last time Jim had met a ninja anywhere close to this dangerous _(and he’s not young, and his profession means he meets a lot of them one way or another)_ was back when he was 13 and met the ancient Nii clan leader ten years before his death at 144. This young man with his harmless mannerisms has doubtlessly seen and shed _far_ more blood in his 20-some years than Jim has in his own 51 years.

 Perhaps he should have expected it from the master of ninja hounds and one from another world at that. _But..._ No, somehow it hadn’t even crossed his mind.

Without looking away from his porn, the young man listens to Pakkun explain.

 “Boss, we met this guy in the tea shop and he recognized our awesomeness and cuteness, and wanted to know if you could teach him how to train ninken in exchange for telling you what he knows about the ninja clans in this dimension.”

_Jim does NOT recall agreeing to that. Then again… His own clan is going to want to know about ‘Boss’, so perhaps it’s fair enough to give the boy an overview of the situation in this world._ Better safe than sorry.

The young man closes his book and tucks it away in a hip pouch, looking at him with amusement dancing in his visible eye. “Can’t say that I’m surprised that a fellow ninja got in here without setting off the alarms, but I do wonder if it’s worth the risk to talk to me _now_ when SIS finally notices the intrusion. I’m Kakashi Hatake.”

_Scarecrow farmland? His clan must have a weird sense of humor, though it definitely fits his skinny looks._

“Jinnouchi Hisakawa. Sorry to disappoint, but I _do_ have legal access, as I am my clan’s current liaison for government contracts in England.”

“Ah.”

The amount of expression that the one word conveys is helped along massively by drooping body language that clearly states that missing an amusing attempt to catch a ninja is a great disappointment. Jim blinks at him, then tilts his head in puzzlement. “You are very expressive for a ninja.”

“Oh? Is this not normal in this dimension?”

He shrugs uncomfortably. “We’re generally taught to hide emotions among strangers unless we need to use them for a job or position. As obvious emotions can be used as our weakness.”

“Ah.” Kakashi looks enlightened. “Well, I’m not on the job right now, ne? They’re still figuring out how to use my skills, and I’m still borrowing one of the rooms they keep for _‘support staff on multiple on-call shifts’_ until they can find an apartment that can properly accommodate my pack.”

Jim hesitates, and Kakashi’s eyes sharpen in interest but he doesn’t pry. _Polite._ “If that is all, my clan has a…place that could be renovated, probably. That is, if you are able to break the chakra seal on it. One of our ancestors was…paranoid. No one has been able to get onto the grounds since she died. 72 years ago. She didn’t like her apprentice and refused to teach him enough to get past her personal security seals. You can live there as long as you need if you can break the seal for us.”

Kakashi brightens visibly. “I’d be willing to take a look.”

_He must be really bored. Or really not happy about staying here longer._

“Let me just inform my Clan Head, first.” While Jim has the authority to make deals like this, the situation is one that his Clan Head needs to know about because Kakashi is _far_ out of the ordinary in this world, even for a ninja.

“Making side deals already? Hasn’t anyone taught you to make sure you’re not under a security camera before you do that?” A lazy, not-quite-amused voice asks, making Jim twitch.

“Maa, maa, James.” Kakashi’s book reappears with fascinating speed to regain its place in front of his nose. “If it was a side deal, I’d hardly do it under the cameras. It’s not like you or Alec or Q have had any luck finding me a place to live, after all. And a good ninja should always have multiple sources of information, ne?”

_Oh, that one. The one who always thinks he has to introduce himself twice instead of doing it properly the first time._ James Bond is a tiresome man in Jim’s opinion. Most of the double Os are, really. His isn’t the only ‘mercenary group’ aka ninja clan which keeps a representative around in London to keep tabs on where to _not_ take contracts that mean tangling with certain of the double Os.

Of course, England’s top agents aren’t the only ones they try to avoid, but clans vary in which countries’ agents they try harder to avoid than others. It’s only reasonable, of course. When it comes down to it, ninjas are simply familial mercenaries who specialize in information retrieval, disguises, and sabotage with the occasional side of assassination and business is business. One can’t stay in business by avoiding every possible danger when one’s business _is_ danger.

Preferably, Jim would like to drop James Bond down an active volcano and get rid of him permanently. But life is not that convenient. There is speculation in the clan that Bond has made a contract with some sort of combat spirit, because the man provably has more lives than a divine fox has tails. As many an enemy has learned to their regret. _The property damage alone is ridiculous._ And there are far worse unfriendly-allies to have. At least Bond isn’t one to torture people for the fun of it, or worse. _Jim has seen and heard of things that are unspeakable, even to those who live in the shadows of society._

Not to mention… It’s subtle, but Kakashi’s body language and tone seem to indicate an actual liking for the troublesome agent. Which probably means accepting that the clan will have to dance around the agent’s presence to keep on friendly terms with him. _Tch!_

“Tch.”

Jim blinks at the agent unwittingly echoing his thoughts, and hides his smile as he realizes that the agent is no happier about it.

_Good._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you click on the link from Bull’s page on wikia, it sends you to the English Bulldog page on Wikipedia. Let me tell you, _English Bulldogs are not larger than regular greyhounds!_ However, _Old English Bulldogs_ and _American Bulldogs_ are rather larger than _English Bulldogs_ , because the latter has been bred down in size over the years. (There are several breeds of smaller types of greyhounds, however.) Thus Q’s question.  
> From pictures, I can only assume that Bull is closer to the original size of Old English Bulldogs, which were descended from mastiffs and other sorts of war dogs. And I feel Uhei is probably one of the mid-sized types of greyhounds, because plain Greyhounds are bigger than any pure-breed bulldog type I’ve seen. _(I have seen mixed breed ones that give Bull a run for his size and possibly even surpass it, with skull width the size of my handspan or about 8 inches across. Depending on the owner, they can be friendly, or they can be kept in 6ft heavy wire enclosures, with heavy collars, on 2” thick chains.)_ Incidentally, _American Bulldogs_ rank 15th on a list I saw of dogs with the strongest bite force, and _English Mastiffs_ rank 6th on the same list _(and can easily break bone)_ , which should give you a range for where Bull’s bite strength falls.  
> Granted, I’m pretty sure Kishi just threw dog thoughts at paper without any particular research, so this is just me trying to reconcile it in my head.
> 
> I didn’t bother looking up ninja clan names. Just picked a random common Japanese surname for Jinnouchi’s clan.
> 
> Also, I’m using ‘chakra’ instead of ‘chi’, cuz that gets confusing with ‘ki’ in my head, and I have enough issues without having to stop and think at my story while writing. Lol.
> 
> ‘Divine fox’- Nine-tailed foxes in history/myth have very mixed ideas, not surprisingly, since the legends cover several countries and quite a number of centuries. One variant is ‘field foxes’ vs ‘divine foxes’, with the divine foxes being servants of one of the goddesses of harvest, if I recall right. Number of tails varies in these myths, but _(I think)_ divine foxes tend to be more powerful than field foxes. And in general, more tails=more power/age. So basically it’s a random choice on my part.  
> Incidentally, there was an Empress/Imperial concubine (?) who started wars within the provinces she was allowed to rule and basically had thousands massacred. She became known to history as a ‘field fox’ or as being possessed by one, and feared as having been very powerful evil spirit before she was killed because of the sheer amount of bloodshed for personal profit that she ordered. _(Pretty sure she was killed. Too lazy to double check atm.)_


	3. Residence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi gets a place to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas.

Kakashi hums tunelessly, carefully, carefully teasing the seal with chakra until he gets the right pattern, then steps back abruptly as the barrier ward shatters abruptly, almost explosively from the release of the rough energy of the seal. “Well, that stung.” He says cheerfully.

Jim gives him a flat look of disbelief, apparently well aware that it could have been lethal if he hadn’t gotten out of range.

_Well, lethal if he’d been a civilian or genin, at least. Anyone at chunin level or above would have been knocked out for a week or two at worst, probably more like a few hours; humiliating, but not nearly as problematic as it would be for someone weaker._

“Maa, maa…look at that. That was quite a well done genjutsu for an amateur.”

“‘Amateur.’” Jim repeats, tone carefully empty.

 _Oh, right, this was done by their version of a seal master. Whoops._ Kakashi waves one hand casually. “Well, I mean, my jounin sensei was a genius seal master and his wife was from the Uzumaki, who were a clan of seal masters. Myself, I would probably have trouble making one as good as this one was.”

Jim looks appeased at that, and a bit curious before hiding it.

The place is a bit rundown, much like the genjutsu implied, but it’s in better shape than he expected from a long disused home that has not been maintained. At least at first glance, from the outside. He reaches for the doorknob and pauses to raise a brow when Jim makes a dying sound.

“Please, just use the key.” Jim holds it out. “You can play with the traps some other time.”

“Saa…” _Well, if he puts it like that…_ “Fine.”

Using the key makes the bristling feel of still lurking chakra traps subside to something more neutral, and by the series of tiny, rusty clicks he can _barely_ hear with his enhanced hearing, it disarms a lot of manual traps as well. A well-made system, then, if a bit simplistic by his standards. _Then again, ex-ANBU Captain standards are a bit paranoid even by jounin standards, so there’s that._ He can upgrade it later. For now, he needs to inspect the place with Jim, to see if there’s things that need to be fixed, since Jim’s clan has so generously offered to pay for fixing it up. And see if there’s anything they want to reclaim, of course.

~

The furniture inside is far too ornate and fragile for Kakashi’s taste, a reminder of a past years gone, so he’s pleased enough that Jim’s clan wishes to reclaim it. Apparently housing costs are a standard expense supported by his new employers, so replacing the furniture should be easily affordable. He can also use it as an excuse to drag James around with him shopping, since he’s unfamiliar with this world and its shops.

Though he’s less pleased that half the kitchen, part of the roof, and all of the electrical is in severe need of replacement. Having outsiders in his home always makes him uneasy. At least Jim’s clan has decided to supply the labor for that, so it will be done in short order and the roof hadn’t leaked over anything as of yet.

There’s a sealed library full of books and scrolls. Jim takes all the scrolls and about a third of the books and insists that Kakashi can have full use of the rest, even though he doesn’t even look in the smaller inner room that also has books and scrolls in it. Admittedly, Kakashi doesn’t argue very hard or deliberately point at that inner room, simply because he’s curious as to what is in there that would require _four layers_ of seals, including one that projects a weak illusion of a blank wall over the open doorway.

The bedroom is so gloomy and dusty that he backs out immediately, somewhat to Jim’s amusement, sneezing and covering his mask with his hand in a useless effort to screen out more of the dust. At least he manages to avoid a coughing fit, but it’s a near thing.

Jim looks through the room, then offers, “We’ll remove the clothing and décor items and furniture. And redo the attached bathroom, because that’s honestly a bit reminiscent of Sadako, and have a window put in, if you like.”

“Sadako? Saa, a window would be nice. And a door opening onto an engawa.” Anything to lighten up this dusty cell of a room to livable. Not to mention how much the pack would enjoy a porch to laze around on. British weather was a little lacking in the ‘warm’ department, in his opinion, and an engawa would certainly be warmer than damp, chilled earth on cooler days.

Jim gives him a _look_ , then rolls his eyes rudely and sighs. “A horror movie about a ghost girl. Yes, those also can be added. You do realize that with the concealment seals gone, people are going to notice that the house looks strange?”

Kakashi eye-smiles at him and shrugs. “I may not be as good at seals as your ancestor, but I can set up a basic notice-me-not genjutsu to divert attention from the property.” He pauses and snaps his fingers. “Oh, right. I’ll disable the traps while your clan’s workers are here. Wouldn’t want any ghosts immortalized here, after all.”

“I’ll remind you.” Jim agrees in a dust-dry tone.

~

James trails Kakashi through the house, which seems to be an odd amalgam of English Cottage and Japanese styles. At least he thinks so. It’s a bit hard to tell without any furniture in sight. And… “Is there a reason for the smiley face stickers all over?”

“Mmn? Oh, those. They’re cute, right?”

“Er…”

“They are there to mark the traps so the workers don’t trigger them on accident. I disarmed them, of course, but there’s a few that can be set off by carelessness despite that.” Kakashi eye-smiles enthusiastically at James. “There’s only been two accidents, and neither of them severe!”

“I see.” He says in a deadpan tone. “So MI6 is only paying for two funerals, then?”

Kakashi droops, suddenly the picture of depression. “Minor injuries don’t require _funerals_.”

“Psych ward admits, then?”

“Maa, maa… It’s not like they were _my_ traps. They came with the house. A bit amateur, really, if competent enough.” Kakashi perks up. “You’re right, though. I should definitely add some genjutsu to the defenses. I’ve got…” He pauses, obviously doing some mental tallying. “At least 37 D and C rank genjutsus that should be passable for simple security. There’s probably no need to use the higher rank ones unless I make some peculiarly persistent enemies.”

“I feel like I should be disturbed that your mind games have alphabetic rankings.”

“Ah, that. Genin get D ranks and a few C ranks. Chunin get C, B, and the occasional A ranks. Special Jounin and Jounin get B, A and S ranks. Both for missions and jutsus. D ranks are the simplest, ones children can do. S ranks are the most dangerous, ones that there’s a high probability of death involved.”

“So you plan to use children’s tricks in your defenses? Isn’t that a bit careless?” MI6 agents come up against the professional underworld a lot, and halfhearted defenses are a good way to lose one’s life. _Granted_ , as someone who barely is at home at all, ever, and thus only has a basic security system and has seen many expensive apartments utterly trashed because of that habit, perhaps he shouldn’t be offering an opinion. However, Kakashi strikes him as the sort who gets attached and takes it personally if someone blows up his dwelling.

Kakashi raises his visible brow in clear judgement. “Sticking to surfaces with chakra is a D rank skill. So is breaking basic genjutsus. Somehow I don’t think many people in this world know either of those skills, however.”

James has to admit, that does rather put it in perspective. “Point.”

~

Kakashi lets James angle the massive bed frame _just so_ , then sets it down gently. The weight is no issue for someone who can use chakra, of course, but its size does make situating it a little tricky.

“Normally, I’m not one to advocate smaller beds, but isn’t this one a bit big for one person?” James asks in a teasing tone.

“Maa, maa…it’s perfect for one person and eight dogs.”

The look on James’ face is beyond price. “You plan to let the _dogs_ in your bed?”

“Of course. Why did you think I picked such a large bed? You didn’t think I was hinting or something, did you?”

James splutters, red touching his cheekbones in a way that indicates that _yes, he had_. How cute. Apparently there’s more interest on James’ part than expected.

At least he doesn’t let the embarrassment keep him from helping Kakashi bring in the mattress and bedding. Or rather, Kakashi brings in the mattress and James brings in the mound of bedding that he had selected without giving him much of a chance to remark on.

Shopping with James had been an _interesting_ experience. James has a yen for expensive, shiny and highly breakable. Personally, Kakashi prefers things that take real effort to break for furnishings. It cuts down on time spent replacing them and unfortunate accidents. Such as traps activating when they shouldn’t or breaking instead of working. Tedious things like that.

Other than that, he doesn’t have a style he prefers, but he has discovered a new hobby: _pushing James’ buttons while pretending to be clueless_.

By the 17th hideous chair he had ‘considered’, James had _obviously_ been convinced that he has no taste and started not so subtly steering him towards much less obnoxious choices. Forcing James to talk him out of a heated waterbed had been _quite_ amusing. Although he truly had no intention of buying something that would be ruined the first time he hid a knife under his pillow. James had resorted to ‘talking’ the salesgirl into pretending that they were all sold out of waterbeds. And by ‘talking’, he means taking the poor girl aside and flirting heavily with her until she complied with his nonsense. Even if it was painfully obvious that she was lying through her makeup-shiny lips.

He smirks at James. “Well, perhaps you can help me…make the bed?”

James stares at him, then shakes his head in disbelief. “You’re a tease, aren’t you?”

“Oh? You just now caught on?” He flips out the bottom sheet smartly enough that James takes a step back in self-defense before stooping to help him tuck in the corners.

There is a suspicion-filled silence, then James groans. “You didn’t really like those horrid waterbeds, did you?”

Kakashi snickers. “I’d be surprised if one of them managed to last a week around me and my pack.”

“And the hideous lamp shades?”

“Do I really look like a taffeta sort of person?”

“You are a terrible person.” James complains.

“Ninja.” He reminds shamelessly and flips the top sheet out. “It took your mind off of being bored, though, didn’t it?”

“How _very kind_ of you.”

“Wasn’t it?”

“I’d rather be not-bored learning your walking up vertical surfaces trick.” James grouses.

“Mmn. Did you say something?”

James huffs slightly at the brushoff, tucking in the sheet corners with military precision, then reaching for a blanket. “You don’t think I can do it, do you?”

He cocks his head, then shrugs. “Right now? Definitely not. In the future? I’d say you have a slightly better chance than the usual adult civilian of making it that far. You have to learn to circulate chakra and get a steady output before you can learn something as finicky as altering chakra output to a single area of the body to match up with the chakra of various surfaces, much less doing it on a subconscious level so that it’s useful. You don’t think about how to take steps when you walk or run, do you?”

“No.” James admits with enough resignation in his tone to convey that he takes the point. “So, how do I circulate chakra?”

Kakashi gives him a cheerful eye-smile. “Meditation!”

James’ groan of dismay is music to his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes may be added later.


End file.
